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In Which I Would Like to Add that Most of My Customers Are Delightful

You know how people are always like, “Damn kids these days, can’t do math without a calculator”?  Did you know there are also people who like to go to party stores, let the cashier ring all of their items, hand the cashier a twenty dollar bill, then once she starts counting out the change, give her a handful of pennies and nickels and say, “I have the change”?

Because people like that exist.

I’m willing to believe that some customers are honestly just trying to be helpful.  As in, “oh, now she’ll have to count out less change.”  But there are some people (and I won’t name names, if for no other reason than the fact that I don’t know his name), who do it for purely malicious purposes.

In the event that you were this kind of person, this might be your though process:

1. Enter party store at 8:55 pm with a pregnant woman.  Woman is significantly younger than you, so party store employees start to hope you were not the one to impregnate her, as that would be icky.

2.  Flagrantly ignore the sign on the door that says store closes at 9:00 pm.  Know that party store has strict guidelines for employees that they must not ask customers to leave, no matter how late it is.  You are more than a customer.  You are a “party guest.”  Decide this rule can only work to your advantage, as you are a bad person.

3.  Watch pregnant woman terrorize balloon girl about baby shower balloons for 20 minutes.  Yell at pregnant woman to hurry up.  Yell at balloon girl for being out of the balloon the pregnant woman wants.  Make balloon girl cry.  Do not feel badly about this, as you are a bad person.

4.  Ask the cashier if store carries chocolate making supplies.  When she takes you to that aisle, yell at her that this was not what you were talking about.  Do not explain further, when prompted.  Continue to yell about how your friend Tonya bought the very thing you want in this very store, and how can the store no longer carry it.

5.  Check out.  Notice cashier is holding her breath, as she is afraid you will yell at her.  Do not feel bad about this, as you are a bad person.

6.  Give cashier a twenty.  As she is counting your change, hand her several nickels and pennies.  Watch her squirm.  Do not understand that she goes to a liberal arts college where she hasn’t had to do math in years, and even though she knows this is not a good excuse, there is still a lot of pressure on her from you and her manager and herself to give you the right amount of change even though the amount you just handed her does not even make sense in the context of the amount you owe!

7.  Yell at cashier that she owes you another dollar.  Look at her in rage while she tries to explain to you why she does not owe you a dollar.  Do not act impressed that she is doing math ON PAPER to show to you (if only because she can’t find the calculator when she needs it most).  Laugh when she ends up being wrong, even though you know she is dying inside, because OF COURSE you would be right, as you are a bad person, and there is no winning against bad people.

8.  Notice cashier is not longer pretending to be pleased to wait on you.  Ask if she is mad at you.  Smile smugly when she says, “I’m not mad.  Because you’re right.”  As you are a bad person.  Then have the audacity to say, “See, you rely on the cash register too much.”

9.  On your way out of the store, smile at cashier and say, “You can go home now.”  Do not care how much cashier and balloon girl wish they were allowed to yell at you, as it is now 9:30, and they are supposed to be at home watching The Soup by now.  Well, the cashier at least.  The cashier can’t speak for what the balloon girl does when she get out of work.

The thing is, I know how incredibly awful it is that I freeze up whenever I have to count change without the cash register telling me what to do.  Because I know how to do math.  I’m just very out of practice, and there’s so much pressure to do it right and do it quickly, all without looking like an idiot.  Which is almost impossible.  And every time it happens, it makes me want to hide behind the balloon counter and repeat my SAT scores to myself over and over again (which, admittedly, is only helpful if I give my total SAT score, not just my math one.  My math score was just okay).

Here’s some concrete proof that I have some math skills:

An Equation About The Freshmen 15

If…

W = Current Weight
S
= Starting Weight
C
= Pounds that I blame on being in College
B
= Pounds that I blame on a Break-up that I used as an excuse to “stress eat” for 6 months

Then…
W-S = C+B

And…
C+B = 13

(Which, coincidentally, is 2 under par for the Freshmen 15.  My golf-playing not-so-little brother tells me that this is called an Eagle.  That makes gaining 13 pounds seem awesome.)

Let’s call (C+B=13) U, for Uh-Oh.

And if…
G = Pounds lost after I started going to the Gym when I realized that 13 pounds is still 13 pounds regardless of if it is less than expected for a college student
H = Pounds lost after I continued to go to the gym once I realized my Hot literature teacher also went to the gym
P = Pounds lost when I got my Party store job back, and started working six hour shifts that involved running around, instead of just sitting at a computer doing database management all day

Then…
U-G-H-P = 6

This equation is called O, for Oh Well.

Which is still a positive number, but the most important part of this equation is to remember that I don’t care about those 6 pounds, because a good amount of those 6 pounds went straight to my boobs.  And that stands for A, for Awesome.

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