Monthly Archives: August 2010

In Which I am Not a Photographer

Oh hey!  I finished something else:

Pattern: Aeolian Shawl by Elizabeth Freeman, from Knitty, Spring 2009
Yarn: Malabrigo Lace in Apple Green

It’s no secret that Malabrigo Lace is my absolute favorite.  When I bought this yarn in the spring, I was at the yarn store helping my friend pick out yarn so that I could teach her to knit (which never really panned out because neither of us had the time to sit down for long enough to accomplish anything).  I had no intention of buying any (this is not a joke), and was doing good until I went to the cash register with her, and they had a basket of Malabrigo Lace sitting out on the counter.  Which is just a good marketing tool.

The color is super bright.  It kind of reminds me of a crossing guard, but in a good way.  (That is a terrible description, so bad that I should probably drop out of college because I clearly don’t have the skills to be a writer.)  You know what else I don’t have the skills for?  Photography.  Because the above picture certainly does not capture the crossing-guard-in-a-good-way-Apple-Green.  This picture is the best one I have of the color, and even that is pretty bad:

As I mentioned in a previous post, I really hate uploading pictures.  There’s no real reason for it, I just always seem to find better things to do.  Like for this post, I got distracted by iPhoto while I was trying to upload the Aeolian pictures, and looked through every picture I have in my library.  This distraction backfired, though, because it resulted in my finding several gems that I cannot help but share with you here.  Like these beauties, where I was clearly trying to make “art”:

Marshmallow

Elephante

Wow.  That’s  hot.

Or this one, which I took last summer when I went to Cape Cod with some friends, and spied on one of them buying $4 pants from an bucket of them outside a store:

Not only am I bad at taking pictures, I’m also bad at being in pictures.  My pathetic inability to be successfully photographed was formally diagnosed by a professional, namely the photographer who did my senior pictures, who told my mother, while I was changing into one of the three outfits he told me to bring, that I was “difficult to photograph”.  That happened.  Here is an example of me ruining a perfectly good family Christmas picture:

Why yes, my entire family does have cat heads, thank you for noticing. They don't like to appear on my blog, for fear that it will give them an internet presence. Heaven forbid.

And then trying to redeem myself by being “gangster”:

I chose to give them cat heads because in the post I linked to above, I drew a picture of a cat, and that post got more hits than any of the relevent ones I've written. I mean, really guys? Did you think I wouldn't notice that that's where your interests lie?

As you can see, my gangster attempts were a success.  No one’s going to mess with that.

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In Which I Would Like to Add that Most of My Customers Are Delightful

You know how people are always like, “Damn kids these days, can’t do math without a calculator”?  Did you know there are also people who like to go to party stores, let the cashier ring all of their items, hand the cashier a twenty dollar bill, then once she starts counting out the change, give her a handful of pennies and nickels and say, “I have the change”?

Because people like that exist.

I’m willing to believe that some customers are honestly just trying to be helpful.  As in, “oh, now she’ll have to count out less change.”  But there are some people (and I won’t name names, if for no other reason than the fact that I don’t know his name), who do it for purely malicious purposes.

In the event that you were this kind of person, this might be your though process:

1. Enter party store at 8:55 pm with a pregnant woman.  Woman is significantly younger than you, so party store employees start to hope you were not the one to impregnate her, as that would be icky.

2.  Flagrantly ignore the sign on the door that says store closes at 9:00 pm.  Know that party store has strict guidelines for employees that they must not ask customers to leave, no matter how late it is.  You are more than a customer.  You are a “party guest.”  Decide this rule can only work to your advantage, as you are a bad person.

3.  Watch pregnant woman terrorize balloon girl about baby shower balloons for 20 minutes.  Yell at pregnant woman to hurry up.  Yell at balloon girl for being out of the balloon the pregnant woman wants.  Make balloon girl cry.  Do not feel badly about this, as you are a bad person.

4.  Ask the cashier if store carries chocolate making supplies.  When she takes you to that aisle, yell at her that this was not what you were talking about.  Do not explain further, when prompted.  Continue to yell about how your friend Tonya bought the very thing you want in this very store, and how can the store no longer carry it.

5.  Check out.  Notice cashier is holding her breath, as she is afraid you will yell at her.  Do not feel bad about this, as you are a bad person.

6.  Give cashier a twenty.  As she is counting your change, hand her several nickels and pennies.  Watch her squirm.  Do not understand that she goes to a liberal arts college where she hasn’t had to do math in years, and even though she knows this is not a good excuse, there is still a lot of pressure on her from you and her manager and herself to give you the right amount of change even though the amount you just handed her does not even make sense in the context of the amount you owe!

7.  Yell at cashier that she owes you another dollar.  Look at her in rage while she tries to explain to you why she does not owe you a dollar.  Do not act impressed that she is doing math ON PAPER to show to you (if only because she can’t find the calculator when she needs it most).  Laugh when she ends up being wrong, even though you know she is dying inside, because OF COURSE you would be right, as you are a bad person, and there is no winning against bad people.

8.  Notice cashier is not longer pretending to be pleased to wait on you.  Ask if she is mad at you.  Smile smugly when she says, “I’m not mad.  Because you’re right.”  As you are a bad person.  Then have the audacity to say, “See, you rely on the cash register too much.”

9.  On your way out of the store, smile at cashier and say, “You can go home now.”  Do not care how much cashier and balloon girl wish they were allowed to yell at you, as it is now 9:30, and they are supposed to be at home watching The Soup by now.  Well, the cashier at least.  The cashier can’t speak for what the balloon girl does when she get out of work.

The thing is, I know how incredibly awful it is that I freeze up whenever I have to count change without the cash register telling me what to do.  Because I know how to do math.  I’m just very out of practice, and there’s so much pressure to do it right and do it quickly, all without looking like an idiot.  Which is almost impossible.  And every time it happens, it makes me want to hide behind the balloon counter and repeat my SAT scores to myself over and over again (which, admittedly, is only helpful if I give my total SAT score, not just my math one.  My math score was just okay).

Here’s some concrete proof that I have some math skills:

An Equation About The Freshmen 15

If…

W = Current Weight
S
= Starting Weight
C
= Pounds that I blame on being in College
B
= Pounds that I blame on a Break-up that I used as an excuse to “stress eat” for 6 months

Then…
W-S = C+B

And…
C+B = 13

(Which, coincidentally, is 2 under par for the Freshmen 15.  My golf-playing not-so-little brother tells me that this is called an Eagle.  That makes gaining 13 pounds seem awesome.)

Let’s call (C+B=13) U, for Uh-Oh.

And if…
G = Pounds lost after I started going to the Gym when I realized that 13 pounds is still 13 pounds regardless of if it is less than expected for a college student
H = Pounds lost after I continued to go to the gym once I realized my Hot literature teacher also went to the gym
P = Pounds lost when I got my Party store job back, and started working six hour shifts that involved running around, instead of just sitting at a computer doing database management all day

Then…
U-G-H-P = 6

This equation is called O, for Oh Well.

Which is still a positive number, but the most important part of this equation is to remember that I don’t care about those 6 pounds, because a good amount of those 6 pounds went straight to my boobs.  And that stands for A, for Awesome.

In Which I Knit Something for Real

As promised, I really did finish something:

Wool gloves in August. My neighbors probably think I'm nuts.

These are another pair of my Mrs. Buchanan Gloves, made for my friend’s sister.  Initially, they were promised to him back in March, but then other projects (like college, etc.) kept getting in the way, and next thing I knew, it was July and they were still sitting around waiting to be sent out.  So, sorry Jeremy and Anna.  Usually I’m better at being a functioning human being.  I don’t know what happened this time.

I made these with longer wrists than I wrote in the pattern, which was unintentional.  My measuring skills apparently leave something to be desired.  But because I didn’t have to swatch for this pair (same yarn, same needles, ideally same gauge), they only used up one skein of Palette yarn (which comes in 100 different colors!).

I love buttons. And coffee mugs. But this is about buttons.

It’s about to get all shameless self-promotion up in here, but it’ll be brief, and also it’s my blog so it’s allowed.  The Mrs. Buchanan Gloves pattern is available from Knit Picks for just $1.99, and they knit up quickly, so they’re great to make for gifts (because it’s never too early to start thinking about holiday knitting!).  The pattern will work with any solid colored fingering weight yarn, but I recommend Palette yarn, which you can order at the same time you order the pattern.  Not to mention, it’s only $1.99 a ball.  The pattern calls for 2 balls, but it appears, according to this pair, that if you have small hands and unravel your swatch, it can be done with just one.

Happy Friday everyone!

In Which I Colored a Picture. Click to Enlarge

Inexplicably, I hate taking and uploading pictures to my computer.  It’s shouldn’t be that difficult, but whenever I have to, I find a thousand other things to do instead.  For example, while I should be taking and uploading pictures of the pair of gloves I knit, so they can be sent off to their recipient in Minnesota (because, from what I hear about the Mid-West from my Wisconsian roommate, she’ll be needing them sooner than later), I decided to use my time to try to understand the different purposes of Adobe inDesign and Illustrator.  The verdict is that I still don’t know, but I did draw a lumpy picture of a cat:

Still a cat

Feel free to use this picture as your desktop wallpaper. I would if I were you. It's probably a good conversation starter.

As you can probably tell, I have no idea how color works on Illustrator, and I feel lucky that even parts of the cat are colored in.  Oh, and that’s a sun.  Because it’s a nice day.  Obviously.